why is it music in the fog

It will take a bit out of me to write about this, my most private world where only I exist amongst things far greater than I.

Something sometimes fills me until my brim runs over and it then explodes into a mist in which I become part of a hidden world I love so much.

It is then as if I am in a dense fog, another world, another dimension which is mine. I am alone in it, yet I am surrounded with life which then fills me and makes me one with each element that exists for the moment.

I see nothing but a thick, glistening white haze all around it, I can touch it and I can move through it, and I also see myself in there at the same time. As if my physical side goes to sleep and I dream, my spirit moves in this dream, sees what I cannot see when awake.

It is a glorious dimension that can change into many colours when I am inside, yet from outside it remains white to my human eyes.

I do not know how I move into such a phase but it happens and although I don’t always know what moved me, I always find out.

Each time is a new birth, a new creation which I collect from the fragments of this dream, put them together into a structure that I can take with when I return to reality of physical life.

I never know what comes first and I would use the best available resources to put it together. Only later I would know that it is a story which I either painted, wrote a poem or prose about or even sang or just created the one thing in all three of these languages.

I would find all the emotions I have, some which I refuse to allow and it can be scary to get to know myself this way. Yet they confront me. And I can find myself devoted to a cause or angry at something, ripped apart, raised high, sad, happy, tormented, comforted, vulnerable, strong, fighting, loving, some even make me blush. Nothing is left out.

Now that I can actually put it all together in sound, music is the first language I use. I am happy I can do it now for when the surge happens and I am near my computer, I jump into my headphones, grab my digital orchestra and we have a roaring time creating the big picture and at the same time I can now even jot down the spoken words.

Many such poems and prose collected through the years, they all fight to become part of the language we all love and it is a big job for me to choose which one next, amongst new ones happening at any time.

As time becomes available in my busy housewife/maid schedule, I’ll be adding the poems of compositions that already saw the light. There are a milliard of little pieces of paper, some just with a few lines and words (my ‘music shorthand’) which I need to convert into more understandable wording. And from poems and prose I already wrote through the years, finding the relevant poems.

Then I also have to listen to some, which is a result of my own anger when one day, around a decade ago, I took my ‘secret files’ and chucked them into the fire and shut my ears from painful noise which were hurting my spirit. At the same time I also locked my spirits in, silenced them to escape the torment.

Until Christmas morning of 2013 when I realized how very alone I am  -  and suddenly the dazzling fog came……

My greatest inspiration to do this is for others who might want to study my work in later years, to have the information available. Of course also for all those who are curious about an old granny that suddenly pitched up, composing music like crazy.

And above all, for everybody who can best speak in music their deepest emotions, even if they never studied music from Man. I know there are many out there that use this glorious universal language to speak with. Just go ahead and do it, your way.